Bender, I am afraid. Alone.

Who do you talk to when things are so absurd in your mind that you know whatever comes out of your mouth will likely make you feel even worse? I have been known to mostly hold my breath in along with all of my chaotic emotions until I become sick. Multiple Sclerosis and high anxiety disorder are a mix that I am learning to be room mates with and sometimes requires me to completely fall apart.

Fall apart list consists of the following;

  1. Crocodile tears
  2. Self doubt
  3. Fear
  4. Nausea
  5. Lack of sleep
  6. Too much sleep
  7. Dropping things
  8. This is a long fucking list and Anxiety has let me know I have said too much.

Multiple Sclerosis consists of; 

  1. Balance Problems
  2. Brain function issues
  3. Balance issues
  4. It is just a dick
  5. Total asshat of my life
  6. I am so scared

So frightened that everything that I battle within my own mind – I can’t just reveal to anyone what I need to say …. so I tell my cat. Meet Bender my best friend and confidant.

IMG_20170826_201253.jpg I can come home and he knows… I just lean over and he stands up on his hind legs like a child reaches for their mother. Pick him up and he just sits upon my shoulder his heart against mine and he purrs. I can tell Bender anything. What kind of fucked up day I have had or the thoughts of me dying in my sleep. There’s just one thing… if I start to cry he gets very upset and starts to semi aggressively bite me on the cheek or finger whichever is closer. I really don’t know why he does this but it leaves me to cry alone.

The last two days have been particularly bad. MS has given me the absolute worst brain fog I have endured yet. To the point I was frightened to go to sleep thinking I might not wake up.  You see I am swimming in my own brain. I feel as if I am underwater or something. I have been able to work and continue my life almost normally but over the last few years the changes that have happened to my mind-body and soul with this dickhead of a disease have made me a different person. And, I just don’t know her yet.

Can Bender help me? Does this blog help me? Does it help someone else? Have I tried hard enough to beat this?

I hope and feel the answers to these questions are yes.

I also hope that anyone out there reading this – will maybe not feel alone as I have the last two days.

Image result for richard brautigan poems trout fishing in america
Richard Brautigan Star Hole

5 thoughts on “Bender, I am afraid. Alone.

  1. I can identify. You can also feel very alone in your disease with a loving family around you. It’s a dance we must do with the inner turmoil we deal with as well as a failing body. Chronic illness of any kind can be lonely even on a good day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. WOW this was a great post and I can totally relate to you! It is so easy to feel alone when living with MS, I know I do most of the time. Blogging has been my saving grace though! I hope you are feeling well today and stay strong and positive, or at least try to! Sending you lots of love and comfort!!!

    Liked by 2 people

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